Locked Out and Desperate
by loony luna91
Summary: Edward has made a mistake and Bella has thrown him out of the house. What will Emmet do to help Edward and what will Alice and Rosalie do to stop them? post NM. Bella is a vampire and BellaEdward are married and living in the Cullen house. AN: FOR SALE!
1. Evicted

a/n: Ok, so this is something I came up with when I was having major writers block on my other fanfic. It's set after Bella is changed, married to Edward, and she is living in the Cullen house. As of now it is going to be a short novel. Hope you enjoy it and review, review, review!!!

_Locked out and Desperate_

(EPOV)

"Come on Bella! Just let me back inside!" I yelled up to the second story window as I stood outside in the pouring rain, the mud from the ground seeping into my shoes.

"No!" came Bella's insistent cry from the open window.

I growled as I heard footsteps from our room and saw a brief glance of Bella as she swung the vast window shut with bang.

Great. It was 8:30 at night and I've been locked outside in the pouring rain by my own wife. I grumbled and whined as I circled the house searching for the right window. Once I found it I picked up some small rocks from the ground and threw them at the glass, so that they made a soft tapping noise.

"Alice," I shouted softly. "Alice! Open Up!"

I waited a moment before I heard soft footsteps as Alice gracefully glided towards the window. Upon seeing my sodden form she opened the window and called down to me.

"Edward? What the hell are you doing out there!"

I scoffed and raised my arms in a disbelieving gesture. "Do you honestly think I choose to be out here!"

Alice grimaced and shook her finger at me. "If you want me to help you then you'd better be nice to me."

I sighed and shoved my hands into my pocket. "Bella locked me out and I need help getting back in."

Alice fought back her giggles and thoughtfully stroked her chin. "Well that depends. What exactly did you do?"

"Well…" I was about to answer when Alice was suddenly jerked from the window and back into the room, out of sight.

I stained my ears to hear what was going on but all I could hear was muddled whispering. I was too far down to hear them clearly and Alice was blocking her mind by thinking about Jasper again. I couldn't reach the mind of her company so I assumed it was Bella who had pulled Alice back into the room.

"He did what!" Alice's sudden outburst caught me by surprise. I strained my ears once again, but they had returned to their incoherent whispering.

After a moment or so, Alice's head popped back out the window. A huge scowl adorned her face and her eyebrows were tightly knit as she glared down at me.

"Sorry Edward, but your going to just have to find some way to get yourself out of this mess alone" She growled. And with that Alice slammed the window shut and I listened as her footsteps stomped off in the other direction.

"Well that went well" I griped.

Once again I circled the house in the other direction when it hit me. I'm a vampire, damnit! I could just break my way in if I wanted to!

After a moment, I realized that I really liked this idea and was about to charge my way through the wall when a voice caught me off guard.

"Edward, if you so much as scratch, dent, break, crash, or crack any part of this house then so help me god I will enroll you in junior high the next time we move."

I stood, shocked and slightly annoyed, as I looked up and saw Carlisle sitting in his office by the window on the second floor. He had not so much as paused in his work while he had given his little speech and continued to work as a I stood frozen, my hand still raised above my head in a fist.

(BPOV)

I laughed to myself as I heard Carlisle chastise Edward from his study. I usually didn't take pleasure in the discomfort of others, but at this point I was still mad at Edward and was not about to let common sense interfere with my judgment.

I sat down on the couch in the living room between Alice and Rosalie.

"So Edward actually said that?" Rosalie asked.

"Yep" I replied.

"Wow" Alice exclaimed. "If Jasper had said that I would have thrown him out in the rain as well." Rosalie nodded in agreement as all three girls simultaneously crossed their arms and legs and shook their heads.

"You know," Alice ventured, "we could really have some fun with this."

"I don't know" Bella replied. "I mean, I'm not going to stay mad at him for long –"

"—which is exactly why you should take advantage of this while it lasts." Rosalie interjected.

"Trust me Bella. Rosalie and I have been doing this for a long time."

Bella glanced nervously at both girls and then broke out in an evil grin.

"So, what did you have in mind?"

(EPOV)

"Emmet!"

I threw another rock at the window, this time with more force.

I continued to throw rocks until I finally saw Emmet's face at the window. He looked down at me and immediately burst into chuckles. After opening the window, Emmet leaned out with his arms crossed and a smug look on his face.

"Well, well, well. It looks like Edward is finally experiencing his first lock out!"

"Lock out?"

Emmet shook his head. "Welcome to marriage my brother. Now, what can I do for you?"

I raised one eyebrow and stared at my brother. "I think that should be obvious!"

"Let me tell you something Edward. According to my calculations, since it has been roughly 20 minutes since Bella kicked you out, it is inevidable that she has most likely joined forces with Alice and Rosalie by now. Assuming that I agree to help you, we would need to not only sneak you in without the knowledge of Bella, but we would also have to bypass the compined force of Alice and Rosalie."

I stared at Emmet in awe. "Just how many times have _you_ been kicked out?"

Emmet smugly raised his chin and examined his finger nails. "Edward, Edward, Edward. I've been married to Rosalie for about 100 years. You're dealing with a pro here."

I raised an eyebrow and scoffed. God knows how many times Emmet has pissed off Rosalie and barely lived to tell the tale. He keeps a freaking score sheet in the basement for crying out loud!

"Just let me back in Emmet!"

Emmet looked down at me as though I was mental. "Are you kidding me!" he cried. "You can't just walk in the front door! No, you have to have a game plan. For instance, what will you do once you get inside? It's not like Bella's going to welcome you with open arms. Most likely she'll slap you, or worse…."

Emmet paused for a moment and winced, as though remembering a truly horrifying memory.

Emmet quickly recovered and returned to his speech. "Once we get you inside, we need to hide you until we can be sure that Rosalie, Bella, and Alice are out of the house. And we can't use your piano as a hiding spot anymore. Rosalie found out and locked me inside it for 4 days."

"So that's how all those scratches got in my piano. Emmet, you arse, why did get in my piano in the first place!"

Emmet grinned sheepishly. "It was so warm and inviting."

I swear, sometimes I wonder if Emmet was _ever_ human. I quickly looked into his mind for a moment out of pure curiosity and found him thinking about my piano.

"Well then Emmet, what do you suppose we do?"

Emmet grinned and rubbed his hands together in a wicked manor.

"I know just what to do."


	2. Up the Laundry Shaft and Out the Window

**A/n: yes! I finished chapter two! And thanks to cryptic-yet-simple for the suggestion to write some of it in Emmet's POV! Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight. Though I do own the laundry shaft!**

* * *

_Chapter two:_

_Up the Laundry Shaft and Out the Window_

**(EmPOV)**

"For God's sake Edward! By all means, make more noise! I'm sure Alice, Rosalie, and Bella have yet to hear your racket as you haul your huge ass up here! I swear if you keep this up you'll get us both evicted!"

Edward shot me a menacing look before he continued his struggle up the laundry shoot to the second floor.

"Shut up Emmet! And honestly, couldn't you have found a better way than this? I can barely fit and I'm sure that I have a pair of Jasper's boxers shoved down my pants by now." Edward seethed as he unsuccessfully continued to squeeze his body up the narrow shaft.

Before I could reply with my own sarcastic retort, I heard footsteps downstairs heading towards the laundry room.

"Shhhh! Edward, stay low! We've got company!"

Edward stared back at me with disbelieving, murderous eyes.

"Stay low? Stay low!?! You've got to be fricking kidding me!"

Ignoring my brother, I got down on the floor on all fours and put my ear to the floor boards. I heard a soft humming voice that distinctly belonged to Alice. Wait a moment. It was Friday afternoon; that meant…

"Oh shit." I muttered under my breath.

"What do you mean 'Oh shit!'"

Edward's question was answered by an unearthly scream ringing up the narrow shaft and through the floorboards.

"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, get your filthy ass out of the laundry shoot! NOW!" Alice cried from below them.

I gulped involuntarily and I stared down at Edward who was currently trying to free himself from his current wedge.

"I can't! I'm stuck!" Edward growled.

Both Edward and my faces visibly paled as we heard Alice chuckle wickedly.

"Let me help you with that." Alice purred.

I watched helplessly as Edward let out a yelp and was suddenly thrust downwards and out of sight.

"Oh crap!" I cursed.

Hoping that I still had time to escape with my life, I spun around and tiptoed towards the door. I was almost there when the door suddenly flung open and the next thing I new, I was flying thru the air, broken shards of glass all around me.

I landed on the muddy ground with a resounding smack, mud seeping thru my clothes. Once I reopened my eyes, I looked up just in time to see Alice pop her head out the window and stick her tongue out at me as I laid there, sprawled out in the mud and rain. I sat up slowly and looked in all directions, searching for Edward.

When I found him, he was leaning against a tree that seemed to have an Edward shaped impression half way up its trunk. Edward stared at me, shooting daggers with his eyes.

I raised my hands in front of me. "Now remember Edward, I was only trying to save you." I reasoned.

Edward looked back and forth between the shattered third story window and the scattered shards of glass that littered the ground all around me.

"Good job."

(BPOV)

Hearing the entire racket from downstairs, I raced up to the third floor to find out what had happened. Once I reached the room where I assumed the noise had originated from, I saw Alice holding her head thru a shattered window and sticking her tongue out at what I could only assume was who she had hurled out the window in the first place.

"What the hell happened here!?" I asked.

Alice finished her taunting and turned back inside to face me.

"The first attempt has been launched, and now Emmet is officially locked out as well." She replied in a chipper tone. "Do you know what this means?" she asked.

I scrunched my nose and shook my head.

Alice giggled and linked her arm with mine as she led me, skipping down the stairs.

"Not only have we earned our first victory, we now have the right to retaliate!"

As though on queue, Rosalie appeared next to me and took my other arm in hers.

"This is when the fun begins!" Rosalie said with obvious pleasure.

And with that, grinned wickedly and pulled me with them to start plotting, and I must admit, I was uncharacteristically excited!

* * *

**A/n: So, what do you think!?!? And please review! If I don't get a good number of reviews for this chapter then I may take longer to update! DUN, DUN, DUN!!!! (I'm kidding, I'm not that mean. But do review!)**


	3. An: I'm BACK!

A/N:

I'M BAAAACK!!!!!! I know, I know. I haven't updated in a while…ok, a REAL long while. But, now that my concussion has mostly healed, my hospital visits are over, and school's out next week, updates are on the way! I guess what I'm trying to say is, I DID NOT ABANDON THIS STORY! I never abandon a project once I start one, I'm too stubborn. Now, I know that a lot of people hate these author's notes (God knows I'm one of them), but I just needed to get this out before people start throwing pitchforks on my lawn (that would be mainly my friends, who have already stuck plastic forks in my front lawn as a protest, no joke.) Well, it's good to be back, and the new chapter will be up NEXT WEEK! You have my word on it!

- Loony Luna (Olivia)


	4. A well? A well

A/n: It's here! Woot, woot! Now, I've been countless reviews asking what exactly Edward did to make Bella so mad. Just to make this known, I don't plan on revealing what Edward actually did until the final chapter, so you'll just have to read to find out. However, I will be leaving clues within the story as to what it is. Hope you enjoy!

(EmPOV)

"Jasper!"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"You don't even-"

"NO!"

I watched in futility as Jasper closed his window and continued to read his book without a second glance towards me or Edward.

Edward grumbled and stamped his feet in the muddy ground while he walked in a circular motion around Emmet. "Damn house, damn rain, damn Alice and her powerful influence over my wife…"

I couldn't help but laugh at my brother's ramblings. It was so obvious that this was his first time being locked out.

"Don't sweat it, bro, we'll be back inside in no time, just watch."

Edward stopped stamping his feet and faced me. I could have sworn there was steam escaping from his ears.

"Just watch!? The only thing you have managed is to have me thrown into a tree and yourself hurled out a window! We have got to come up with something, fast!"

Looking into Edward's eyes I could tell he was starting to lose it. If I don't do something fast, Edward will probably do something rash. _Lord knows he's done it before._

"Done what before?" Edward demanded.

Damn. I had forgotten about Edwards little advantage for a moment.

"Nothing, don't worry about it. Know, there is something else we could do. However, I warn you, it may result in somewhat unwanted consequences."

Edward replaced his angered expression with one of confusion. "Somewhat unwanted consequences? What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that while it will take care of Alice and Rosalie for our purpose today, it will most likely not be left unpunished after we succeed."

Edward thought for a moment. "So you mean that even if it works, Alice and Rosalie will probably take their revenge sometime in the near future?"

"Exactly, but by then we will have already succeeded in getting back inside. Knowing Alice and Rosalie, they'll probably wait for a few weeks after this whole fiasco has died down before getting even."

Edward hung his head in thought, seeming to weigh the pros and cons. "Well, at this point we have no other choice. What were you thinking of?"

Yes! I clasped my hands together and did a silent victory chant in my head. I had actually come up with this whole scheme ages ago, but never had the guts to pull it off. Surprising, I know, but it was just that good of a plan.

(EPOV)

I watched in horror as Emmet clasped his hands together and a small, evil grin sprouted on his face. Knowing Emmet, this was probably one of his great "master plans" that he had come up with long ago but never had an accomplice desperate enough to help him. I sighed heavily as I realized that I was that desperate accomplice.

"Emmet?" I asked, hoping to bring him out of his thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Can we get this over with?"

"Right," Emmet started, "we first need to dig a well."

"A well?"

"A well."

(BPOV)

"A well?" I asked with wide eyes as I sat on Alice's bed with Rosalie next to me and Alice cross-legged on the floor. We, meaning Alice, had kicked Jasper out in order to use the room for what Alice called 'headquarters'. I just thought it was a bit over the top.

"A well," Alice confirmed. I watched patiently as Alice left her trance and her vision ended. "I don't know why or when, but they're digging a well."

Rosalie sat up on the bed and flipped her hair out of her face so that it fell gracefully down her back. "Do you know, by any chance, which one of them suggested the well?"

"Emmet," Alice replied almost robotically. Obviously this came as no surprise to both Alice and Rosalie. Frankly, I found the answer to be hugely obvious as well.

"Oh God, it looks like Emmet has finally found an accomplice desperate enough to help him recreate one of his master plans," Rosalie said in a pained voice.

"Wow," Alice said, "Edward must be close to losing it if he's willing to blindly follow Emmet."

I listened to both girls and thought to myself. _Maybe this is getting out of hand. I mean he did apologize. _But then I remembered why I had kicked Edward out in the first place.

"Hey, Alice," I said.

"Yes?"

"Do you still have all those jump robes left over from last month?" I asked.

Alice seemed confused at first, but she quickly caught on and grew a small, impish smile.

"Bella, Bella, Bella. After all this time I think we're finally rubbing off on you!"

I laughed and slowly moved my eyes towards Alice's door. On the other side, I knew, would be two small though noticeable scuff marks. I was about to go over in my head how those two scuff marks had gotten there, but quickly stopped myself.

_Revenge is sweet. Plus, everything will go back to normal after the fun is over. _

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A/n: So, what did you think!? Please, please review. I love getting reviews and they inspire me to write more and faster. Plus, I also have a request. I need a beta for this story. Preferably someone with experience, but if you think you're up for it than I don't have a problem. I also need the person to be able to work on this through email, so if your interested leave a review and I'll let you know when I find a beta. Thanks all! Hope you liked the chapter.


	5. An: For Sale

Dear readers,

To all those who have been reviewing and showing your support, I thank you deeply. It means a lot to me that you enjoy my story and writing.

I regret to inform that I am leaving this project. I just don't have the time anymore, and it's not fair for me to keep leaving you hanging.

For that reason, I am setting this story up for sale. By that I mean that I want to give someone else the chance to finish this story however way they like, as long as they keep the existing plot that has already been published alive. Of course, whoever takes this will still need to give me credit for a) the chapters I've already written and b) the plot premise. This is very important, and can be done with a disclaimer at the beginning of every chapter until the story is finished.

If anyone is interested, please let me know through a review, and I'll make a decision as to who it will go to within the next week or so, probably sooner.

Thank you, and I once again apologize for making you wait so long. Hopefully this way "Locked Out and Desperate" will have a proper ending.

-Olivia (loonyluna91)


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